


Mostly

by starlightwalking



Category: Lockwood & Co. - Jonathan Stroud
Genre: (Or is it?), F/F, Lesbian Holly Munro, Light Angst, One-Sided Attraction, The Empty Grave Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12171450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Holly had a lot feelings about Lucy, but mostly she knew she was in love.





	Mostly

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to @asktiredlucy on tumblr for inspiring this.  
> Spoilers for TEG!

"You must know there are other possibilities in this world," Holly said, and while she meant a lot by that ( _Girls! I'm a lesbian, Lucy! I like girls!_ and  _Even if I wasn't, it's not as if George and Lockwood are the only boys in London_  and  _Why do you assume these things?_ ) she mostly meant  _You._

Lucy might have asked her more if things had not rapidly escalated at that moment; as it was, Holly didn't mind. Lucy and Lockwood were in love, that was clear, and she and Lucy would never have a chance.

It had hurt, in the beginning, when this beautiful, hardworking, genuine girl had simply hated her for unknown reasons, but Holly had accepted that in time. It wasn't until after their fight in Aickmere's that she realized she was in love again, and while she had a lot of feelings about that ( _She doesn't even like me as a friend, let alone romantically_  and  _She's probably straight anyway_  and  _This is silly; I just need to move on_ ) she mostly thought  _How lucky am I to know you._

And then Lucy had left. Those months were long and dark for Holly. She had her friends George and Lockwood, but they were still  _boys_. She missed Lucy: she missed having a girl around, she missed seeing her pretty face every day, she missed the almost-friendship they'd hesitantly began to form.

But the thing she missed most of all was Lucy as a person: the way she tried so hard to impress everyone who already loved her; the half-disgusted, half-resigned glare she would give George in the aftermath of one of his wilder experiments; the strength and drive she carried within her; her empathy for her friends and even for the Visitors she encountered. Her smile, the few times she would let it grace her lips around Holly.

Everyone around Holly thought that  _she_  had been the reason Lucy left. Even Lockwood, somewhat. But Holly didn't believe that for a minute. She wouldn't let herself believe it, and while there were a lot of reasons for that ( _She can't hate me, she just can't_  and  _I know her better than to think_ I  _could drive her away from Lockwood_  and  _Lucy is only doing what's best for her even if it's not what's best for me_ ) it was mostly because  _Lucy is too_ good  _for that._

"Who missed you most particularly?" she said after seeing Lucy again for the first time in months. Holly's heart ached as she said those words, knowing Lucy didn't know the depth of what they meant. "Can't you guess?"

In a way, it hurt that she couldn't. Holly didn't think she was being all that subtle in that moment; and the last time she'd spoken to Lucy she'd practically begged for her to stay. Even still, it was hard to admit it: "Me." And Lockwood, of course; and George in his own way. But Lucy's surprise and—perhaps?—dawning realization in that moment were their own bittersweet reward.

Holly knew that however much she loved Lucy, Lockwood was the one she was meant to be with. And Lucy's absence had nearly driven Lockwood to the edge, while it had torn George apart from the inside, but Holly was the one who had been so, so alone in those months.

And then Lucy came back, and Holly was happier for it, but she could only watch as Lockwood and Lucy grew closer. And so the months passed and the stakes of Lockwood and Co.'s meddling rose more and more, but Holly felt that even if Lucy didn't love her back, at least she was her friend. And while Holly told herself many things like that ( _Maybe I wasn't in love after all_  and  _I could never be in a relationship with her, no matter how I feel about her_  and  _Stop thinking about holding her hand and running your fingers through her hair and the ways her eyes would look as your lips met_ ) she mostly told herself  _This is enough._

She was so close to confessing, in some moments, but she always held back. It was the way Lucy watched Lockwood speak, with his eyes sparkling and coat twirling, and even Holly could feel his charisma sweeping her up into his mad plans. But Lucy had those stars in her eyes, and even when she looked on Holly kindly that was never there with her. There was no point.

It was clear Lucy was jealous of her and the possibility she liked Lockwood, even still. Holly had always found this hilarious: if there was anyone in the company she loved, it certainly wasn't him.

Time passed; the Fittes empire rose to new and deadly power; Holly's life moved on around her. She met a girl, a perfect, wonderful girl: her name was Layla and she had wonderful blue-dyed curls and warm dark eyes and soft brown skin. Layla started out as a roommate, and Holly was excited to find out she was queer as well. They were friends, and Layla had a girlfriend; no matter Holly's slight crush on her, Layla was out of bounds, and besides—Holly was still in love with Lucy.

But the tides were turning. She didn't tell Layla everything, but they were getting closer and closer. One night Layla came home crying: she and her girlfriend had broken up. Holly did her best to comfort her, and it was that night holding Layla in her arms that she realized many things ( _I never want to see you hurt again_  and  _This feels right_  and  _Even so sad you are so beautiful_ ) but mostly she realized  _I am in love._

But there was still Lucy, and it was not much longer before Lockwood and Co. robbed Marissa Fittes's grave. Holly was gone long nights from her apartment with Layla without any explanation, and was so caught up in the events of the next few weeks that Layla nearly slipped from her mind.

"If anything, I had my eye on someone else," she said, a smile curling her lips, as she and Lucy sat together waiting for the world to end. Her heart pounded, but she kept herself composed. But Lucy took it the wrong way, and Holly only laughed at the thought of her being attracted to George, though inside her heart broke a bit.

She came back home after the longest night of her life, and Layla's first response to seeing her was a kiss. Holly's heart burst and she and Layla began something new. For weeks, seeing Lucy made her feel guilty, but she knew she and Layla had something special, something she could never have with Lucy. So slowly she adjusted, and she was genuinely happy when Lockwood and Lucy first walked into a room holding hands.

Years passed; time marched on; Holly had never been happier. It took a few tries to get her friends to understand that Layla was her girlfriend, not simply a roommate, but they were happy for her when they finally got it.

She and Lucy had never been better friends, and she was honored to be her maid of honor at the Carlyle-Lockwood wedding. All of her romantic feelings for Lucy melted into the past, for the most part—but there was always those moments of awkwardness when bitterness filled her heart and a longing she didn't want anymore resurfaced.

They were both well into their twenties when Lucy Lockwood said something that made Holly's heart stop.

"You know, I used to have a bit of a crush on you, Hol," she confessed over a glass of wine.

Holly was too surprised to say anything.

"Back when we were young—and I didn't really know it, but it was probably why I was so bad to you," Lucy said, her cheeks flushing. "I didn't realize I was bisexual and I didn't know how to react to liking a girl other than being mean to her..."

"I..." Holly blinked, her head spinning. "I mean..."

"I mean I loved Anthony," Lucy said; she was rambling now under the influence of the wine. "And I still do, we're married and I'm so happy, and of course you have Layla, but." She sighed. "I don't know. I was just thinking about that."

"Lucy..." And Holly had a lot of things to say in that moment ( _If only I had known_  and  _I'm glad it happened this way for both of us, despite everything_  and  _We could have had so much_ ) but mostly...

"I loved you too, Luce."

Mostly, there was only one thing she could say.


End file.
